Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
