I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
