I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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