shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
