I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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