just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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