U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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