dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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