Old men and throwing up are my life now.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
