Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
