so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
