Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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