Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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