I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
