yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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