A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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