I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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