if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
