It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
