Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
