On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
