I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
