Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
