So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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