I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
