4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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