he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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