i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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