I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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