We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
