it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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