Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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