Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
