i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
