Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
PANTIES FOUND
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