I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
