Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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