Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
