We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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