Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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