All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
