Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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