I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
