He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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