I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
