I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
