if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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