the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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