The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
