I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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