Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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