I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
