I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
