Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
